Wondering

As mentioned in my other blog, I would have pictures for you but I can't find the cord for the camera.

I did get some work done on Joanna's dress Saturday. A lot of sewing in circles. Round and round and round and round and you probably get the picture.

Yesterday, also as mentioned in the other blog, I got a phone call at 3:29 am from Joanna. In spite of the fact that the circumstances were perhaps less than desirable, I am very grateful that I was able to fill a need for her and spend much of the day with her.

I feel that nothing can quite prepare you for a miscarriage. This baby that Joanna carried for such a short time, although not planned for at this specific time, was nonetheless much loved and wanted. How exciting that this sweet child of mine was going to have a baby of her own! How infinitely sad that all the hopes and dreams packed into those few weeks will never be fulfilled in this life.

Having experienced the death of Daniel, I know that even after four years, three months and three days, there is still pain, there is still a hole, a hole I don't ever want filled because I hate to think what it would  mean if it were. I sometimes relish the pain because it reminds me of how much  love my oldest boy, of how very much I miss him, and of how very much I want to be with him.

What is it like to have a miscarriage? While I may have had one before I was pregnant with Laura, I did not recognize it as such and there was no sadness associated with it. I have read books about it, I have talked with friends who have experienced miscarriage.  I wrote a story in which the main character experiences a miscarriage and because I hadn't experienced one myself, I wanted to make sure that I got her emotions and actions as close as I could to what would have been real.

I feel that in many ways a miscarriage would be much harder than the death of a child. For example, Daniel was with us for fourteen years, four months, and 28 days, and those aren't counting pregnancy during which time he and I were getting to know one another. Joanna just had nine weeks and at least part of that time didn't realize she was pregnant. So for just a few short weeks she got to dream and imagine what her baby would be like; she did not even get to find out if her baby is a girl or a boy. She and Lincoln wanted a boy but would have loved a girl.

What I am left with now is wondering how long a grandparent mourns the death of a baby due to miscarriage. My heart hurts for Joanna and her pain which is most acute and my heart hurts for me and Lincoln and Joanna's siblings who were all looking forward to a baby nephew or niece.

I am also left wondering, "Why?" Not, "Why me?" because that would be completely selfish and would not stop to consider the pain of anyone else. Not, "Why Joanna?" because I know that these things happen. Just, "Why?" because I know there is a plan and I know there is a reason and I just wonder what it is.

Joanna wonders. A girl she works with is pregnant. She cried for weeks when she found out she was pregnant because she didn't want a baby. She smokes and does drugs and her baby is going to be born addicted to crack and cigarettes and who knows what else. Other than that, however, the baby is growing normally and seems to be doing well. Joanna wonders, "Why did I lose my baby when I want so much to have a baby? Why is the baby of this other girl doing well in spite of everything his/her mother is doing? Why?"

And so we are all left wondering as we take one day at a time and continue on through our journey. Will we ever know the answers? Is it important that we do?

Love the life you have.