Swallowed by a Snake

Golden mentions that there is no cut and dry when it comes to grief and that we need to be prepared for the long haul. I have long contended that the death of a child is unlike any other and Golden validates this when he says that the death of a child is more like an amputation than a wound; that dealing with the loss of a child is more like dealing with the loss of a body part than a wound (Golden pp16-17). I agree.

This snake was in our garden a few years ago.

He also discusses gauging grief (Golden pp 19-21) and I found this discussion kind of followed what I’ve already learned. For example, when my dad died, although he was young (just 51) he was older than I and we expect our parents to die before we do. When Papa died, he was older than I and we expect our grandparents to die before we do. Daniel is my son and our children are not supposed to die before we do. This has to do with expectedness. When we are more attached, we tend to grieve more. I think that my sister, Becky, probably grieved more for our dad because I think she was the most attached to him. I think I my grief for Daniel is still very strong at times because I am still attached to him. Papa was my anchor in a storm-tossed sea. When a death is natural, the grief tends to be less fierce.

Golden made a great analogy (Golden p 42): “Grief is like manure: if you spread it out, it fertilizes; if you leave it in a big pile, it smells like hell.” I have found this to be true. Dealing with grief a little bit here and a little bit there keeps it manageable. If you keep it all bottled up inside or attempt to deal with it all at once, it really doesn’t work.

A quote of interest to me when discussing guilt is, “There can be a sense of wanting to join the person who has died, or there can be a complete loss of wanting to continue living (Golden p 68).” That is exactly how I felt when I was alone in that hospital room. How could life possibly go on without Daniel in it? And, yes, there is some guilt associated with the whole experience. However, life does go on and eventually, when the time is right, I will graduate as well.

There are some physical differences between men and women that go deeper than the skin. There are some physiological differences as well (Golden pp 73-74). I knew that at least in part from taking A&P. But I had never really considered what difference these differences might make not only in grieving but in the way we live our lives. For example, it is physically more difficult for a man to cry.

In the section “Men and the Hierarchy,” Golden discusses how men tend to a hierarchal nature, meaning everyone has a role and position, and women tend to work together all on the same level (Golden pp 74-75). Please remember that these are generalizations, not hard and fast rules. I thought this particularly interesting when using it to contemplate the whole equal-pay-for-equal-work battle in the workforce (and in life). Women tend to want to be equal and men tend to want to be best. Isn’t that interesting?

There is an activity that Golden explains called “Active Imagination” (Golden pp 94-95). I always thought and have often been told that I have an Active Imagination. And I think I do. However, I haven’t used it the way Golden talks about here. For one thing, he mentions that we can name our grief because once we’ve named a thing, we can own it. I’ve heard that before so it makes sense. He also describes having a conversation of sorts with your grief. For example, he suggests the following question: “Grief, what do I need to know about you?” This should be written down on a paper. The first thought or response that comes to mind, you also write on the paper. Then you respond to that with another question and continue on. I really like this idea.

Lastly for this discussion, Golden mentions the locus of control over the deathbed (Golden p 101). Like birth, which we have mostly lost to the hospitals and medical professionals, we have lost death. People used to die in their own ‘space’ so to speak, surrounded with things and people that had meaning and were important to them. This has changed. Just as birth has changed. And, really, aren’t they one and the same?

Golden, Thomas R. Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing. Gaithersburg, MD: Golden Healing Pub., 2000. Print.