One Year, Two Months

Yesterday was an interesting day. I registered for a workshop called "Compassionate Caregiving When a Baby Dies." I know I hope to be able to use the information I gain there in the future when working with women who may loose or have lost a baby or child. I hope to learn something new. Perhaps I will learn something about myself and how I feel about Daniel's death.

Sometimes, I see a picture of Daniel and it sets my mind to thinking. Daniel was such a presence in all our lives. I am speaking of a physical presence because he still is very  much a part of our lives today, just not in the same way that he was. It is very hard at times to see a picture because when that picture was taken, Daniel was still here. Sometimes I think, "How can he be gone? How can he just not BE here? How can he have been here and not be here now?"

September 21st was an interesting day not only because I finished all of the school work I could and was therefore able to spend the afternoon doing something for fun, but because of little things that just popped out at me. I found a CD/DVD case when I was looking for some tissue paper. This case made the trip to Sioux Falls with us. It was in the accident. The DVDs that were in it suffered no damage. How can this be? How can some DVDs which mean absolutely nothing in the eternal scheme of things survive while a child, my child, could not?

I know that it is just his physical body that was damaged. However, because of that damage, he is no longer physically with us. There are times when I wonder what kind of a mother I am for having let this happen.

Yesterday afternoon, I was going through some things and I found in a pile of blankets a purple frog that Paul gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. For the longest time, I kept that frog on my bed with its arm around a little pillow that Joanna made for me one year for Christmas while we were in Idaho. My hope was that one day, Paul and Joanna would be able to be reconciled and that we would be able to be a whole family. Well, it worked. After a fashion. Paul and Joanna are reconciled but it didn't happen until after tragedy had struck and Daniel was physically no longer with us. I know that we still can be a whole family, but in this life at least it will not look the way I had thought it would.

 

Sometimes, at night, Joseph has bad dreams. He isn't the only one. Amena has not expressed to me that she does but I know that all the boys do. Cedric surrounds himself with things of Daniel's. I don't know if they help with the dreams. When I was ten, I got a musical teddy bear for Easter. Sometimes at night, I can give Joseph my teddy bear and he's okay. Sometimes I wish my teddy bear still worked that kind of magic for me.

 

I miss Daniel every day. Some days I cry  more than others but still, I believe that in order to miss someone so much, there must have been a mutual love and I believe that love is transcendental. In fact, without love, this world would not exist.

 

I believe that Jesus Christ lived and died for us and that because he lives again, once our mortal lives are over, we will all live again. One day, I know that although we do not have Daniel with us physically now, we will. This knowledge does not take away the pain of missing him and it does not mean that I never doubt. It does not mean that I sometimes wonder why. It does mean that even on those days that I miss Daniel most and I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy and I wonder what kind of a mother I am to have let this happen, I will get through it. As long as I keep going through the teary fog of pain, I will emerge on the other side triumphant, and I will be with those I love.