Swallowed by a Snake

Golden mentions that there is no cut and dry when it comes to grief and that we need to be prepared for the long haul. I have long contended that the death of a child is unlike any other and Golden validates this when he says that the death of a child is more like an amputation than a wound; that dealing with the loss of a child is more like dealing with the loss of a body part than a wound (Golden pp16-17). I agree.

This snake was in our garden a few years ago.

He also discusses gauging grief (Golden pp 19-21) and I found this discussion kind of followed what I’ve already learned. For example, when my dad died, although he was young (just 51) he was older than I and we expect our parents to die before we do. When Papa died, he was older than I and we expect our grandparents to die before we do. Daniel is my son and our children are not supposed to die before we do. This has to do with expectedness. When we are more attached, we tend to grieve more. I think that my sister, Becky, probably grieved more for our dad because I think she was the most attached to him. I think I my grief for Daniel is still very strong at times because I am still attached to him. Papa was my anchor in a storm-tossed sea. When a death is natural, the grief tends to be less fierce.

Golden made a great analogy (Golden p 42): “Grief is like manure: if you spread it out, it fertilizes; if you leave it in a big pile, it smells like hell.” I have found this to be true. Dealing with grief a little bit here and a little bit there keeps it manageable. If you keep it all bottled up inside or attempt to deal with it all at once, it really doesn’t work.

A quote of interest to me when discussing guilt is, “There can be a sense of wanting to join the person who has died, or there can be a complete loss of wanting to continue living (Golden p 68).” That is exactly how I felt when I was alone in that hospital room. How could life possibly go on without Daniel in it? And, yes, there is some guilt associated with the whole experience. However, life does go on and eventually, when the time is right, I will graduate as well.

There are some physical differences between men and women that go deeper than the skin. There are some physiological differences as well (Golden pp 73-74). I knew that at least in part from taking A&P. But I had never really considered what difference these differences might make not only in grieving but in the way we live our lives. For example, it is physically more difficult for a man to cry.

In the section “Men and the Hierarchy,” Golden discusses how men tend to a hierarchal nature, meaning everyone has a role and position, and women tend to work together all on the same level (Golden pp 74-75). Please remember that these are generalizations, not hard and fast rules. I thought this particularly interesting when using it to contemplate the whole equal-pay-for-equal-work battle in the workforce (and in life). Women tend to want to be equal and men tend to want to be best. Isn’t that interesting?

There is an activity that Golden explains called “Active Imagination” (Golden pp 94-95). I always thought and have often been told that I have an Active Imagination. And I think I do. However, I haven’t used it the way Golden talks about here. For one thing, he mentions that we can name our grief because once we’ve named a thing, we can own it. I’ve heard that before so it makes sense. He also describes having a conversation of sorts with your grief. For example, he suggests the following question: “Grief, what do I need to know about you?” This should be written down on a paper. The first thought or response that comes to mind, you also write on the paper. Then you respond to that with another question and continue on. I really like this idea.

Lastly for this discussion, Golden mentions the locus of control over the deathbed (Golden p 101). Like birth, which we have mostly lost to the hospitals and medical professionals, we have lost death. People used to die in their own ‘space’ so to speak, surrounded with things and people that had meaning and were important to them. This has changed. Just as birth has changed. And, really, aren’t they one and the same?

Golden, Thomas R. Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing. Gaithersburg, MD: Golden Healing Pub., 2000. Print.

Three in a Bed

We live in a society that decries abuse of children in any form: physical, emotional, verbal, economic, mental, or sexual. When we throw a child into his/her own bed in his/her own room, shut the door and ignore the subsequent screams, is this not a type of abuse? A baby is in relatively tight quarters, warm and snug, within its mother for nine months previous to birth. During this time, the baby hears the sound of mother’s voice, heartbeat, and any surrounding noise. At night, baby sleeps with mother. Suddenly, once born, the baby is expected to sleep alone, often in a separate room. The baby will ‘learn’ that no comfort is coming and will eventually ‘learn’ to sleep alone. But only after emotional, mental and sometimes verbal abuse. (Jackson p 35)

Mothers are taught not to trust themselves. They must give birth in the hospital because the doctors and nurses know better what to do and are more able to deal with complications should they arise. If parents dare to speak of giving birth outside the hospital, they are likely told horror stories of homebirth (I’d like to know where all the horror stories of hospital birth are).  Even when things are going well, well-meaning people can make comments that make a mother second guess herself or she might read something in a magazine article (or online), doctors make offhand comments, etc. (Jackson p 40)

Sometimes these well-meaning people tell new mothers that they will not get a good night of sleep if they sleep with their baby in the same bed. What very few people seem to know is that a breastfeeding mother normally does not sleep deeply; she is attuned to her baby and will be more likely to waken at the slightest noise. Since babies don’t sleep deeply and mothers don’t sleep deeply, it makes sense to sleep in the same bed. This way, baby will not have to cry to get mother’s attention and mother won’t have to completely awaken to fill baby’s needs. (Jackson p 72)

SIDS and mechanical suffocation are not one and the same. (Jackson p 90) Recent studies have suggested that babies who die from SIDS are actually predisposed to it and there is really very little that their parents can do to prevent it (Boston Children's Hospital. "Brainstem abnormalities found in SIDS infants, in all sleep environments." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 11 November 2013. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/11/131111091733.htm>.). While reports of these studies point to brain stem issues, they all clearly warn parents against having the baby sleeping with them. Two things to remember are that mechanical suffocation happens much less often than SIDS and that it is avoidable (Jackson p 93).

It is interesting to note that in a sample of over 100 societies, “the American middle class ‘was unique in putting the baby to sleep in a room of his own.’ (Jackson p 121)” It is interesting to note that we, homo sapiens, have lasted so long when we have been warned against having babies sleep with their parents for only the past 150 years or so. We, as a species, should have died out long ago.

My oldest slept in a cradle near the side of my bed until she was six months old. When she woke up, I would bring her to bed with me and feed her and then return her to her cradle. For six months, life was pretty good. Then, because I was young and very susceptible to all of the well-meaning advice being shoveled at me, she moved to a crib in her own room. I didn’t sleep particularly well and neither did she. In fact, she often had night terrors. I would get her when she was screaming and she would calm down but life wasn’t as good as it had been. We tried nightlights and stories and teas and nothing helped. To think that simply bringing her to bed would have helped seems oversimple and yet I know it would have. It’s almost frightening that this issue of night waking is singularly a problem of the developed world (Jackson p 130).

An interesting quote regarding babies in bed when we make love: “It is that society does not know where to draw the line between ‘healthy’ loving, constructive, reproductive relationships—and violent, abusive, uncontrolled desire. (Jackson p 142)”

When it comes to weaning, Jackson feels that we belong to a ‘weaning’ society meaning that we are not capable of living in the moment, that we live instead to push members on to the next step whether or not each individual is ready for such (Jackson p 144). I certainly feel this to be true. We compare our children to the children of our friends and the children of celebrities. We now have Common Core which will ensure that our children are able to jump through the appropriate hoops at the appropriate time. What has happened to us?

Because we wean, we have tantrums. This makes perfect sense. If an individual is not ready to do something, he is not ready. An adult can communicate this; a young child cannot. However, because we wean, we blame the tantrums on heredity or genetics (one and the same, I think) and begin negative programming that will most likely never be overcome (Jackson pp 152-3). I was going to say that one thing that I do not agree with 100% is that holding breath is a version of having a tantrum. Daniel would hold his breath until he passed out and Daniel was generally a very happy baby. However, as I began to think about it, when did Daniel hold his breath? When he needed something. It wasn’t that he was being weaned, however, and it only happened less than ten times over a period of about twelve months. He would do it if he was tired, hungry, or was being watched by someone and did not have immediate access to me (happened once). If holding breath is a version of having a tantrum, it isn’t always. If holding breath occurs because a child is being weaned, there are other reasons as well.

I love this paragraph (Jackson pp157-8): “We adopted Jean Liedloff’s golden rule: ‘Never do anything for a child that he can do for himself.’ You could call it minimalist mothering.”

And here is some food for thought:

“Devoted care is out of date. Bring in ‘the machine that goes “ping!”’. It is ironic that in these days of high technology, a new mother is fobbed off with a list of rules that date back to the Victorians, from whom we have received our current taboos about co-sleeping. Not one good argument for the cot has emerged in a hundred years.

“Now is the time to revise our outlook. We know what babies need, and we know how to provide it. All the professionals have to do is stand back and let the mothers get on with it.”

If it was time in 1989, what is it now, a quarter of a century later?

PS There are later editions of the book. I guess I need to get hold of one.

Jackson, Deborah. Three in a Bed: The Healthy Joys & Remarkable Benefits of Sharing Your Bed with Your Baby. London: Bloomsbury Pub., 1989. Print.

What is a Doula?

Why do you want to be a doula?

I want to be a doula for many of the same reasons that I want to be a midwife. I have had some very good birth experiences and would like to help other women to have the same. I believe that women have choices when it comes to giving birth and I would like to help them learn what their choices are in order that they can make the best ones for themselves, their babies, and their families.

Birth is a fascinating process to me physiologically, mentally, and spiritually. Birth, like death, is something that each of us must experience. However, each of us is only born once and because of this, each birth should be the best possible experience. I would like to help women achieve this for their babies.

Other than helping women by being a doula, it is also, for me, a stepping stone on my pathway to midwifery.

What personal qualities does a doula possess?

A doula must possess many qualities such as love, compassion, empathy, knowledge, awareness, physical and emotional strength, ability to connect, confidence in her role, humility. A doula must love women, babies, and birth. A doula must have compassion for those with whom she works including not only the birthing woman but her partner and other family members. A doula must have empathy, which is to me a deeper, more complete compassion. A doula must have knowledge not only of the basic process of labor and birth but of basic anatomy and physiology, how to provide comfort, how to deal with different groups of people. Part of her knowledge must include the fact that as much as she has, there is always more to gain.

A doula must be aware not only of those with whom she works but of her surroundings and the emotional, spiritual, and physical ebb and flow around her.  A doula must have physical and emotional strength because birth can be a long process.  Physical strength because a laboring woman may need comfort measures requiring physical strength from the doula for long periods of time and emotional strength because there may be people present who would seek to undermine the work of a doula or challenge her very presence in the birthing room.

A doula must have the ability to connect. Most importantly, she must connect with the laboring woman. As well, it would be beneficial if she can connect with the woman’s partner and with members of the medical team providing care for her. A doula must have confidence in her role. If she is lacking in this area, she might as well not be present.

Perhaps most importantly, a doula must have humility. She must understand that while she is there to help, it is only the woman giving birth who can do that important work. She must understand that while she may have great knowledge, she does not know everything. She must know and understand that her role is that of facilitator, not director of operations.

What skills and knowledge does she need to have?

A doula must have some skills and knowledge. One of the greatest teachers is experience. This experience might come in the form of personally birthing babies or in helping other women along the process. As she gains experience, she is better able to help those around her.

A doula needs to have knowledge of the birth process including basic anatomy in order to better explain to those with whom she works what is happening, what can be expected, and, to an extent, why. A doula should have at least a basic knowledge of both post and antepartum processes and changes. She needs to know common concerns and how to respond to them. A doula should have some basic knowledge of breastfeeding in order to support the woman who chooses do so.

In what ways does she assist a birthing woman and her family?

A doula assists a birthing woman and her family in whatever way she can. Mainly, this consists of supporting a family throughout pregnancy, birth, and beyond.

When a doula meets an expecting mother and her family (understanding that it is quite possible for a woman to be completely alone in her journey to motherhood), her job, so to speak, is to offer support. This support comes in many forms and may include any one or all of the following (or some that are not mentioned):

*        help track contractions and help decide when to call the midwife or go to the hospital

*        help set up at home or get settled at the hospital

*        work with a partner to get both comfortable (but mostly mama)

*        provide cool cloths

*        remind mama to breathe

*        provide counter pressure

*        squeeze mama’s hips

*        help partner feel confident

*        watch television with family between contractions

*        take pictures

*        help clean up at home or protect the sacred hour at the hospital

*        provide words, arms, shoulders of encouragement

*        pour water over mama’s back or belly when in the tub

*        educate

*        provide massage

*        help with breastfeeding

*        answer questions

*        be aware/sensitive

*        share in the emotions

                       

What did you need when you became a mother or went through a major life change? What helped? What didn’t?

When I became a mother, I needed support. When my son was killed and the rest of us were spread out not only between hospitals but states as well, I needed support. I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to answer my honest questions. I needed someone to tell me that it would be alright. I needed someone to let me cry.

It is helpful when going through a major life change, and birth and death both are, to have someone to listen to you, to share your thoughts and feelings. It is certainly helpful to have someone come and take care of the mundane chores that need to be done but that can seem overwhelming. Having someone to take care of meals is a huge help. It is helpful having someone watch older children when there is a birth or to just be there for the children in other circumstances.

It is not helpful to have people tell you about their own experiences; the time for that will come later. It is not helpful to have people help take care of the baby (unless a mother has disabilities which necessitate this). It is not helpful to have people compare your situation to theirs. It is not helpful to suggest that life goes on; it either does (in birth) or it doesn’t (in death) and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

In light of the questions above, assess yourself. What do you already have? What do you need to work on? What do you need to think more about? Do you have personal issues that may interfere with your practice as a doula?

My goal in life is to be the best I can at whatever I do. In order to become an excellent doula and midwife, I feel that I need to do some growing. I have learned a little about trusting myself; I need to learn more. I have learned a little about listening; I need to learn more. I have learned a little about service; I need to learn more. I have learned a little about helping others; I need to learn more. I have learned a little; I need to learn a LOT more. I do not believe that I have any personal issues that will interfere with my practice as either a doula or a midwife; I feel that it is what I was called to do and now I need to do it.

Way of the Birth Arts Doula (Way of the doula)

“You will find honor in being a doula, the woman who serves. You will be handmaiden to the Birthing Goddess, lending your heart and hands to her as she labors at transforming herself into the Mother Goddess. You will carry water, cook, clean and care for her family as well as directly support her in labor. It is woman’s work. Hard physical work, intense emotional and spiritual work, everyday miracle work. Sometimes she will not know she is a Goddess and you will hold up the mirror and tell her to look and share your vision.”

I cannot think of anything that sounds quite like being ‘handmaiden to the Birthing Goddess.’ In spite of the fact that I can see some objecting to the thought of ‘woman’s work,’ it is true. Women only can be the Mother Goddess. Women only can give birth. Although a man might be able to be very sympathetic and be a good birth partner, only a woman can completely empathize with the birthing woman because only a woman can understand what she is experiencing because she has herself experienced it and/or she is capable of following her intuition and is able to feel with the woman transforming . ‘Hard physical work’ indeed. ‘Intense emotional and spiritual work’ for certain. ‘Everyday miracle work’ most definitely.

‘Handmaiden to the Birthing Goddess’ conjures up in my mind images of Druid folklore and Celtic women with long hair flowing; of Shetland shawls, ancient trees and windswept landscapes.

“You will need to feel your own strength and vulnerability as a woman, know the power of surrender to a force greater than yourself. You must know these things in your bones. She will sense it if you do and it will give her strength because you are living proof that it can be done.”

It seems odd to use strength and vulnerability in the same sentence, especially when discussing a woman who very likely will need them at the same time. However, speaking from experience, sometimes when a woman is at her most vulnerable, she is also strongest. Labor and birth truly do involve forces greater than any one human. Opening up to the unknown can be a terribly frightening experience but when a birthing woman is with someone who has walked the walk, who does know the incredible power of surrender, it can ease or even completely negate the fear.

“To learn the truth of birth you will be going to Nature, the mother of all. By observing, interacting with her elemental forces and participating in her cycles with awareness you will be taught all you need to know.”

Learning about and from Nature almost seems counterintuitive to the societal norms we find today. Trust birth. Trust your body. Are you kidding—trust the doctor and medicalized view of birth; anything else is likely to leave you wanting.

In my experience, as we observe and interact with the elemental forces of Nature and participate in her cycles, we are taught everything that we need to know. As we observe and interact with the elemental forces of a laboring woman, a Birth Goddess, and participate in her cycles, we can learn everything we need to know. We will learn what she needs, how she feels, and how best to support her.

“You will need to learn to articulate your truth. The truth of what you believe about birth, of what you sense and feel before you, of who you are as a person. Your decisions and actions arise out of being grounded in your truth.”

After having been married for seventeen years to a man who wanted to mold me into a creation after his own design, I have had in many ways to relearn who I am. In some ways it is unfortunate that most of what I learned from personal experience about birth happened during these years. However, in spite of his meticulous and questionable guidance, I was able to learn truth and I am now able to share that. 

“You will help the woman retrieve from within herself the knowledge of what she needs to do her birth dance. By opening yourself to feel her and attending to her in a loving, focused manner you will perceive and reflect back to her own truth.”

To me, this is almost the epitome of what it means to be a doula or even a midwife. My midwives were able to do this for me; now it is my turn to do this for other women in their transformative birth experiences. Ideally, I believe that the doula should be able to be that mirror into which the laboring woman can look to see the Goddess she is.

“You will be helping the mother provide for herself a nourishing environment so that the natural process can unfold of its own accord. Helping safeguard her sacred birthing space, identifying interferences to the natural process, and facilitating her movement through it are part of your doula work.”

A doula cannot give birth for the woman who is laboring. She can, however, help her provide the ‘nourishing environment’ in order that the ‘natural process can unfold of its own accord.’ In doing this, safeguarding the woman’s sacred birthing space is of utmost importance. I feel that in many cases today, the labor room has become an arena. Too often there are far too many spectators and more cheerleaders than participants.

Often the birthing woman does not recognize interferences to the natural process and therefore is almost powerless to react or respond. A doula can certainly help identify unnecessary intrusions and protect against them.  She can facilitate the birthing woman’s journey through this process by being aware of the process and understanding her own role in it.

The Six Steps of Healing in life

The Six Steps of Healing (use in life)

I believe I have used these in many aspects of my life without realizing that someone had actually written them down.

For using the six steps in life, I would like to discuss how they applied, and still do, regarding the death of my oldest son.

Step 0: DO NOTHING

Doing nothing can be quite easy and yet challenging at the same time. There isn’t much worse than being told that your child is dead. After the initial gut-wrenching, heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-body, feeling like you want to die, reaction, all you want to do is. . . nothing. It is rather easy to lay in bed, especially since you’ve had a broken back and a concussion and can’t really do anything else anyway, and stare into nothing. There are things in your line of sight; there is a window and there are other objects. But you don’t see them. They don’t exist. Nothing exists. Nothing. Your world has come to an abrupt halt.

Sometimes your thoughts wander. Sometimes you wonder how you got to this point. Sometimes you wonder how life can possibly go on without this person who has been such an integral part of your life since the day he was conceived and yet in the next thought you know that as much as you can’t possibly imagine what it will be like, you are going to find out; there is absolutely nothing you can do to alter this fact. There are times when you wonder if this might just be a bad dream and you wonder if you might wake up sometime soon.

People swarm in and out, in and out, like the ebb and flow of the tide. They have words of condolence and you know they mean well but they do not understand how you feel. They do not understand that you wish you could turn your feelings off. They do not understand and while a part of you wishes that they did, a part of you hopes they never do.

Step 1: GATHER INFORMATION

There are many ways in which you might gather information.  One of the ways I found most useful and helpful was to surround myself with my family and to listen to words of wisdom.

Life has to go on. There are seven other children who look to you. They miss their brother as much as you miss your son although in different ways.

There was a chaplain at Sanford Hospital who is an incredible man. I have no idea no if he had ever experienced the death of a child but he had the ability to listen and to direct in a very Christ-like way. It was from him that I learned that I could use this awful pain and become stronger; even when, and if, I wondered how.

There was a grief-councilor at Avera Hospital. He was a very kind man. He also was religious. In spite of the fact that he told me that no one had the right to tell me to ‘get over it,’ I liked him. After this, he asked me what my son would tell me if he were there. I smiled a little and said, ‘Get over it.’ Then I thought, ‘Oh, he told me no one should tell me that.’ But I could hear Daniel say it. ‘Get over it, Mom. Life goes on. I am still here.’  It was from him that I learned how to tell the other children about their brother.

There were people I had never met before from whom I learned what it means to have unconditional love.

There is my friend, Diane, who said to me, ‘This might sound strange, but. . .’ She told me to look back over the days, weeks, and months previous to the accident and see if there were any instances that seemed to be a preparation for what was to come. There were. Mostly small and seemingly insignificant but now huge and life-altering.

There were books. And prayers. And dreams.

Step 2: ENGAGE THE ENERGY

With the information I gathered, and still gather today, energy is engaged. The anesthesiologist who worked on my third son happened to be the nephew of a dear friend of mine from when we’d lived in California. The doctor who worked on my second son, happened to be LDS and opened his home to our family.

The energy was sometimes like a tenuous thread. As knowledge and information were increased, the thread become stronger and more threads were added to the safety net. Even though I still sometimes physically felt like I would split in two, I knew that I wouldn’t.

There were still tears. But there was laughter. There was still pain. But there was faith. There was love. There was a cohesiveness that I never would have imagined possible in the first hours after.

Step 3: NOURISH AND TONIFY

Once all the other children knew that Daniel was physically dead, spiritual healing was able to begin. It was very hard having two children in one hospital, one child in another hospital, three staying with new friends, and one still in another state. Then it was just one child in one hospital and one in another, four with new friends, and one in another state. Then one child in one hospital, five with new friends, and one in another state. That is how it remained until we began leaving to return home one and three at a time. I took turns spending time between the hospital(s) and the home where others were staying. I certainly did not love the circumstances, but I came to look forward to the time I was being able to spend with each child. Even during the time my youngest daughter and second oldest son were not conscious, it was still good to spend time with them.

Step 4: STIMULATE OR SEDATE

During this time, sedation was certainly used and stimulation was sometimes something to be avoided. My youngest daughter and second oldest son were kept in drug-induced comas for a time in order to allow some healing to begin before regaining consciousness. My daughter was not kept this way as long as my son but it took her longer to actually regain consciousness. Once my son was awake, he had to be given sedatives to help him come off the medication he’d been given for pain. Had any one circumstance been different, it is quite likely that I would have involved tinctures and/or essential oils. When we were all home, I did.

Step 5A: USE SUPPLEMENTS

We really didn’t use any supplements other than herbs for tea and essential oils.

Step 5B: USE DRUGS

The idea was to get everyone back to normal. To this end, some drugs were used but they were discarded as soon as possible and we used only herbs and essential oils.

Step 6: BREAK AND ENTER

My second oldest son had severe skull fractures. The neurosurgeon who worked on him showed me pictures of my son and explained what he had done. Because the dura surrounding the brain had been nicked, it was necessary to make sure there were no bone fragments or other foreign objects with the brain. I would certainly consider that to be breaking and entering. Although my next younger son and youngest daughter sustained serious injuries, neither had to have major surgery.

Using the Six Steps as a guide is helpful in many ways. Specifically, it gives a foundation on which to build and even if not specifically thought of at the time, helps give some perspective. I think knowing about them will help give perspective to many things in my life now that I would not have thought of before.

The Six Steps of Healing (birth)

I am thinking of a birth I was present for. In applying the Six Steps of Healing to the experience, it seems obvious that the Steps were followed in part but certainly not entirely. Let’s examine what happened.

Step 0: DO NOTHING
This, from what I heard and observed, did not happen. This birth was an example of what happens when two products of helicopter parents become involved and form a family. The pregnant woman could not make a decision without input from her family and the young man was not able to make a decision without considering what his mother would think. The young man’s mother did not seem to be as bad in the labor room as did the family of the young mother-to-be. The mother of the LM (laboring mama) was especially . . . vocal. Before arriving at the hospital throughout pregnancy, LM was told repeatedly how difficult labor was going to be and her moaning and groaning indicated that she was going to make sure it was (I realize this is not something she likely was thinking—the subconscious was certainly at work and had been given a lot of fuel).	The do nothing should have been begun by the parents of the LM months, if not years, before. When we are conditioned for years about something, it is hard to break away from what we have come to believe. In this case, since LM’s family was there reinforcing those things she had learned, it would have been nice to somehow get them out of the room.
Step 1: GATHER INFORMATION
Information was gathered from medical personnel and family members. The problem with the gathered information is that although it was collected from people the laboring woman trusted, it was not always accurate or even good information. The nurses and doctor gave good, and accurate, information. Family members did not. Sometimes information can be offered but it does not have to be acted upon or even accepted. I got the feeling that the family really kind of had their own ideas and wanted things to progress according to their time-frame, not according to what was best for the LM or what was normal hospital protocol.	Ideally, this LM should have attended childbirth classes and a Meet the Doula night. Possibly a Mama/Baby class as well. She clearly had been overly prepared for how bad things were going to be. Her mother had had two cesarean births and obviously thought that she was an expert.
Step 2: ENGAGE THE ENERGY
There was a lot of energy in that room. Unfortunately, it was all negative. The LM had her parents and sister with her. The father did not have his phone out but the mother and sister did and they were on them constantly. The mother did not really want me to be there helping with anything—that’s why she was there, to take care of her baby. In spite of this, there were times when LM would say, “I need my water,” to which she got no response. “Mom, my water.” “Just a minute,” tapping away on her phone, “I’m almost done.” Once the father of the baby arrived, almost every time he made a comment or did anything, it was met with rolling eyes and/or barely disguised condescending remarks.	If the negative energy could have somehow been harnessed and turned positive, this would have been a really incredible experience. If the focus had been on LM rather than everyone and everything else, it would have been a huge step in the right direction. Emptying the room of excess people would have helped as well. Essential oils and muted lighting could have made a huge difference but were rejected. I wonder if it would be okay to just take action in such a circumstance.
Step 3: NOURISH AND TONIFY
This did not happen.	“Send love to all parts of yourself, especially the ones you are ashamed of.” If love could have been sent out to the father of the baby, it would have changed the whole dynamic of this experience. The only love in that room was of the parents of the baby for the baby.
Step 4: STIMULATE OR SEDATE
Sedation was used in the form of Demerol or Stadol. I don’t remember if she had Pitocin but it seems likely that she did because although she thought that contractions were already unbearable, they were not very regular.	Stimulation in the form of a shower or essential oils or massage could have been really good. The father of the baby actually did massage LMs belly and that was welcome by her.
Step 5A: USE SUPPLEMENTS
No supplements that I know of.	Supplements may have made a difference if they could have been gotten by LMs mother.
Step 5B: USE DRUGS
Drugs were definitely part of the mix. Other than those mentioned above, LM (laboring mama) wanted an epidural. Because she was in the hospital, this was of course very available and she got what she wanted.	Drugs were expected and welcome. While I can see that they would in some cases, it doesn’t seem that they were really necessary this time except that LMs mother said so.
Step 6: BREAK AND ENTER
Although this birth did not end in surgery other than a few stitches to repair a torn perineum, the doctor did, in a manner of speaking, break and enter. There was, if you will, a cone-shaped area where the tension in the room was not as thick; the doctor was in this and it seemed as though his presence created it as he was in the room but not part of the drama.	Quite frankly, in spite of the fact that this baby was born vaginally, which is a good thing, a cesarean birth almost would have been better simply because it would have meant that most of those in attendance would not have been able to be present.

Compared to a birth that I more recently attended, the birth described above was something like a nightmare. The more recent birth was lovely and I feel followed more closely the Six Steps than did the previous one even though the parents had no idea what the Six Steps were.

Death

Have you had an experience with a person or animal dying? Please describe.

                My whole life has been lived around animals. We have had dogs, cats, birds, chickens, goats, turkeys and even a duck once. I have witnessed the birth of dogs, cats, chickens, goats, and turkeys and have assisted a couple of our does with kidding. I have eight children and have witnessed, as a doula, a birth. I have witnessed the death of dogs, cats, chickens, goats, and turkeys. I have had to be the one to put a goat down when dogs got into the goat pen and tore one of our does up so badly that she could not live.

                When I was young, my family lived next to my grandparents. One day was out with my grandma and I knew that we needed to get home because I knew that something monumental had happened at home. When we arrived, I ran to the back of the house and there was my uncle’s dog with her nose in my favorite Japanese silkie hen, Henrietta. I was shocked and horrified at the manner of her death but even at the young age of 8 or 9, I knew that death was somehow very connected to life and that one cannot be without the other.

                Over the years, I’ve become acquainted with death. My father died almost 23 years ago. I was sad when it happened and I still miss him, but somehow, I knew it was going to happen. My grandpa died just over two years ago. I knew that was going to happen as well and I miss him very much.

                The hardest death I have had to deal with is the death of my oldest son just over two years ago (two years and three months tomorrow as of the writing of this on November 1, 2013). He was only 14 and was killed in an automobile accident. The pain and emotions I feel are as fresh and raw today as they were when I found out he was dead. I miss him more than words can say and quite frankly, I do not wish to miss him less. Interestingly, even as I was lying on a cold, hard table in an emergency room in a hospital, I knew that my son was gone. A very close friend asked me later if there was anything to prepare us for Daniel’s death and as I began to examine the events of the days and months preceding the accident, I could see that there were. Even though it was a shock and unexpected, and even though we all miss him terribly, we were prepared.

What made their experience easier? More difficult?

                When Daniel was killed, I think it was easier, in a way, because he was asleep and was not aware of what was happening. It could be, however, that there were things he would have wanted to tell us had he been able to. When my dad died, he fell into a diabetic coma and never woke up. While it was probably easier that way, it probably would have been nice had he had his family around him. My grandpa died twelve days after the accident that took my son’s life.

                We had been travelling to California in order to see my grandparents. It was the first, and likely only, time we would have a complete five generation family gathering for my children. I believe, as does my grandma, that once Papa knew that we would not be coming, he decided it was time for him to go as he’d been ill for some time and was holding out to see us. With him when he died were my grandma, my aunt, and my cousin. Waiting for him was his oldest great-grandson. He was released with love and greeted with love.

                I have heard of people who have held on to life because those around them refuse to let them go. This has to be hard, especially when living is painful.

Do you see any similarities to the birth experience?

                I see death and birth as flip sides of the same coin. Birth is the act of leaving one sphere of existence and entering another and death is the act of leaving one sphere of existence and entering another. With each, there is an element of entering the unknown, of leaving that with which one is familiar.  Because of this, I believe that the experience of death is very similar to the experience of death. Perhaps the only real difference is the avenue or passageway between the two realms.